


A Touch of Reality

by incurableinsanity



Series: Winterhawk Shorts [13]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Minor Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Minor Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Winterhawk Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 11:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4874899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incurableinsanity/pseuds/incurableinsanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our dreams feel real while we're in them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Touch of Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Winterhawk Week Day 6: Fiction
> 
> Also available on [tumblr](http://torii-storii.tumblr.com/post/129909077549/a-touch-of-reality)

_Falling – falling – cold – pain – pain – pain –_

 

 

Bucky wakes slow.

He sits up, rubbing at his face, tired and groggy. The sun’s in his face. He shifts to throw the blankets off.

He freezes, glancing down. His left arm is a stump. It’s not supposed to be. He has two arms; he’s always had two arms.

When – how – what the hell happened to his arm – _he can’t remember_ -

“Buck, Bucky,” A voice is telling him, “C’mon Buck, breathe with me.”

He’s breathing isn’t he? It’s a thing needed to live; he knows how to breathe. He helps Steve through asthma attacks and everything.

“Slow, c’mon. In and out, you jerk. There we go. We’re alright. We’re home,” The voice says and Bucky exhales harshly. He inhales, slow and shaky. “There we go. The war’s over, we’re safe. It’s okay.”

He concentrates on breathing, and when he looks up, he looks at Steve. God, Steve’s so big – that’s right he was small and then the serum and Captain America and the war. Steve was small and now he’s big.

“With me?” Steve asks. Bucky nods sharply. “Nightmare?”

“My arm-” Bucky starts, then stops, frustrated. Steve doesn’t look phased.

“Was lost on the train to capture Zola, remember? Debris,” Steve tells him and it sounds rehearsed – like he’s told him before. Maybe he has. How often is Bucky forgetting things? But, it sounds right. He can remember a train, the mission he almost died on.

“Right, okay,” Bucky nods again, swallowing.

“Breakfast is ready. Mrs. Meredith made us extra,” Steve steps back, offering a hand. Bucky takes it, swinging his legs over the side of the small bed. He stands and sways. His balance is off. Steve steadies him without a word.

Glancing out the window, he sees Brooklyn.

He’s home.

 

 

 

 

_Target – kill – spider – red – death – red –_

 

 

Bucky sits up, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“Good nap?” Steve asks, placing a glass of water in his hand. Bucky shrugs, taking the glass and drinking it. The loss of his arm still feels weird, so he keeps wearing long sleeves to avoid looking at it too much.

“Where’ve you been?”

“Peggy,” Steve says, smug and elated. Boy is Steve gone on this woman. “She stopped by earlier. I offered to head out for dinner and she told me to bring you along.”

“Don’t wanna intrude on your date,” Bucky tells him but Steve grins.

“Peggy’s bringing along a friend too, someone from Europe,” Steve explains, “fellow agent who wants to see the sites.”

“You gotta set me up on my own dates now,” Bucky mocks affront, but he doesn’t suppress the grin, “I remember it bein’ the other way around before the war.”

Steve laughs, but Bucky sees him about to frown.

“Relax Stevie, I’m just busting your chops.”

“Alright, alright,” Steve smiles again. “Gotta get you presentable.”

Bucky snorts.

A few hours later, Bucky’s following Steve down the street, standing on his right to hide his lack of arm. He still gets looks, but not as many as he thinks he would be if he wasn’t a Howling Commando and Steve wasn’t Captain America.

Steve glances to his left when several blaring sirens speed past.

“Wonder what’s got the black-and-whites all jumpy,” Bucky says.

“Nothing good I bet,” Steve shrugs. They arrive at the place just on time to see Peggy and a red-headed lady coming up together. Bucky nearly stops short at the sight of the dame.

“Peggy,” Steve smiles and leans down to kiss her on the cheek. Peggy shoots him a fond look.

“Hello Steve, Bucky,” She greets, “This is Nat.”

“Boys,” Nat dips her head with a sly smile. Bucky grins.

 

 

 

_Egypt – blond – arrows – shoot – kill –_

 

 

“Bucky, wake up.”

Bucky jerks awake, inhaling sharply. The desert, but he’d never been there. Only Europe – only –

“Hey, you alright?” Someone asks him and Bucky glances up with wide eyes. Nat and a blond man. His mouth drops slightly – the blond man is a dreamboat. “Close your mouth, baby.”

“Did you just make a pass at me?” Bucky says, incredulous and half-asleep and confused.

“Clint,” Nat hisses, elbowing the man. “Knock it off.”

Clint wrinkles his nose. “Just makin’ sure everythin’s square.”

Bucky looks between them, “How’d you get in?”

“Steve let us in on his way out. Wanted to see if you wanted to come to lunch?” Nat offers with a slight smile. Bucky looks between them with his eyebrows raised. Nat and him didn’t work out, and they were better off as friends. Still, the invitation is a minor surprise.

“And who’s this joker?” Bucky asks.

“Clint,” Clint holds out his hand, “friend of Nat and Peggy. Circus performer.”

“You a sideshow freak?”

Clint laughs, “Nah, man, just work a bow and arrow n’ hit targets. Best shot this side of the Atlantic.” Bucky grins at this, finally shaking the man’s hand. “What do ya say? Lunch with me n’ Nat?”

“Alright.”

 

 

 

_Pain – blood – fighting – fighting – killing –_

 

 

“Sleep okay?”

Bucky yawns as he rolls himself off Clint’s couch. He’s taking a lot more naps lately, but he doesn’t mind. He nods to Clint’s question.

Bucky finds something about Clint interesting. He’s charming and laid back and a bit of a disaster. Steve, Peggy, Nat, Clint, and he are often out and about together.

“You see the cops raid that joint on the corner down the street the other day?” Clint asks out of nothing.

Bucky nods though, “Been happening a lot lately.” Bucky knows full well what those places are – he bets Clint does too. The blond steps over.

“Lookit,” He points down at the paper sitting on the table. It’s an article on the bust, the amount of people arrested. “Lots of queer arrestin’ for shit that’s harmless.”

“Don’t let the cops hear you say that,” Bucky warns. Clint shrugs.

“Just sayin’ is all. Circus full of weirdos, nothin’ bugs you anymore.”

“You doing a show tonight?”

“Down at Coney Island; you guys wanna come along?” Clint says and Bucky smiles.

“Sure thing.”

 

 

 

_Quiet – metal – whirring – rest – cold –_

 

 

Bucky wakes in the bed back at Stevie’s apartment. He sits up, spotting Clint asleep on the floor. Last night’s kiss in the alley away from prying eyes suddenly sits in the forefront of his mind.

Bucky finds himself smiling.

“Get up, knucklehead,” He kicks Clint in the leg gently; Clint stirs with a groan. “Gonna hurt your back like that.”

“Last night was good,” Clint says by way of greeting. “We should make more time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bucky murmurs, but he’s still smiling. He offers his hand and Clint grabs it, standing. “You did good last night.”

“Told you I don’t miss,” Clint bumps his shoulder.

“Alright, alright, hotshot.”

Clint looks at him with a question in his eyes. Bucky leans down just enough and Clint leans up, pressing a kiss to his lips.

He might be sweet on Clint. He’s surprisingly okay with it.

 

 

 

_Targets – car – dead – accident – rain – mission –_

 

 

Bucky wakes up slow, leaning against Steve on the couch as he draws. He remembers a time when Steve was the one leaning on him. It still takes some getting used to even after all this time.

“What’s with the face?” Bucky asks as he sits up. Steve purses his lips, upset and annoyed.

“Howard passed away. Left behind a dame and a baby.” Bucky frowns. He hadn’t been a big fan of Howard, thought he was too obsessed with Steve and the serum sometimes, but he had been somewhat of a friend – especially during the war. He doesn’t want to know how Howard exactly bought the farm. Man was probably being reckless and stupid.

“Funeral?”

“They’re holding it later today – his lady didn’t want to wait. The Commandos are making their way over to meet us there. Peggy and Nat are coming too.”

Later on, Bucky’s standing in the back during the service, watching Steve talk to a woman who must’ve been Howard’s. She’s holding a sleeping infant. The rest of the Commandos are doing their own thing. Peggy and Nat are making rounds.

“Hey.” Bucky turns. It’s Clint.

“You knew Howard?” Bucky asks. Clint shrugs.

“Nat asked me to tag along,” He says. “Wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I wasn’t a big fan of the guy,” Bucky looks forward when Clint steps up next to him, brushing shoulders. It’s the most they’ll allow in public. Anything else could get them caught. Not even Steve or Nat know about them and they’ll keep it this way for as long as they need to. “Started drinking a lot after the war. Didn’t keep in contact often. We didn’t even know he was married.”

“Seems like a recent development,” Clint says, “accordin’ to Nat.” Bucky hums, scanning the area. A minor habit from the war still. There hasn’t been much activity of anything lately, everything’s been peaceful since they won the war. He still gets weird dreams, but he’s been better about getting out of the shell shock quicker. Steve and Clint have helped with it.

Steve’s waving him over.

“Looks like I’m needed,” Bucky blows out a breath. Clint hitches a quick smile before stepping alongside him over to Steve. Peggy and Nat are over there now too.

“This is Maria,” Steve says, and then gestures to the kid, “And this Anthony.”

Anthony looks up with bright eyes, curious.

“Sorry for your loss,” Bucky tells her, and Maria nods with a watery smile.

“Thank you,” She replies, bouncing Anthony lightly. Someone calls Maria’s name and she startles. “Sorry, could you just take him for one second,” She places Anthony in Bucky’s arm, startling him and she runs off. He freezes, ignoring Peggy and Nat’s amused smiles and Steve’s short laugh. Who the hell gives the one-armed guy a baby?

“Uh,” Bucky says, eloquently. Clint steps in, adjusting his hold.

“Here, you gotta support the kid’s head,” He says, stepping away. “Congrats, Bucky, it’s a boy.”

“Shuddap, Clint,” Bucky ignores his cheeks heating up.

 

 

 

_Death – destruction – kill – mission – sleep –_

 

 

Bucky startles awake, nearly falling out of bed.

“Bucky, it’s okay, you’re alright,” Clint’s telling him, reaching out for him. Bucky scrambles upward. He can’t breathe – what the fuck was that – what the hell –

“Breathe, baby, c’mon, it’s okay,” Clint’s saying, soothing and quiet and Bucky latches onto his outstretched hand. It takes several minutes until he’s calm enough to let him go.

“Sorry,” Bucky winces, but Clint smiles.

“Happens,” He says. “I love all of you, you know that.”

Bucky nods. They’ve been together a year and a half now, and Bucky can’t believe they’ve made it this far. Steve, Peggy, and Nat know, and they don’t care. Steve even made Clint and Bucky stand next to him during his wedding with Peggy. Nat teases them, subtle, and only a little more when it’s in private. Steve and Peggy are trying for a baby. Maria stops by often with a growing Anthony.

The raids on queer places have lessened, but it still hasn’t gone away completely. They won’t take any chances. He runs his hand through his hair, calmer now.

“C’mon, let’s go back to sleep,” Clint nudges Bucky back down onto the bed. He presses a quick kiss to Bucky’s lips before lying beside him.

“Love you, too,” Bucky mumbles belatedly. Clint hums happily. “Would marry you if I could.”

“Me too,” Clint agrees softly. Bucky smiles.

Things are perfect.

 

 

_Assassination – captain – shield – wings – explosions – river –_

 

 

 

Bucky wakes in an unknown room. He shoots up, panicked. Where’s Clint? Clint was right beside him a moment ago –

He throws the blankets off him and freezes.

Two arms. He has two arms. Why the hell are there two arms? One of them is _metal_. _What the fuck?!_

He stumbles out the bed looking for something to help him discern what’s going on.

There – a newspaper. He scrambles over to it, hair falling into his face (last time he checked he had _short_ hair). He picks it up to read the date.

June 2015.

2015? It…It was the 1940’s a moment ago.

Bucky trips back, falling onto the floor.

_No, no, no, no._

God why can’t he remember what happened –

The train. He fell from the train. He didn’t survive the train. He fell. He should have died.

“Oh my god,” Bucky breathes.

The train, and then Hydra, and…he killed people.

God, he killed so many people.

And Steve, Jesus, he almost killed Steve. And Nat – Natalia the little spider from the Red Room. Clint wasn’t real. None of it was real.

It feels like he died all over again.

 

 

 

 

He needs to find Steve. Steve…Steve’s an Avenger. He’ll be in New York. A place called Avengers Tower.

All the newspapers paint him as a fugitive and a villain, and it makes his stomach churn. The newspapers don’t know who he really is. While he’s gathering up whatever belongings his…other side scrounged up, he comes across a ticket to the Smithsonian. So he’s in DC.

He shudders, pulling the cap over his dirty hair. He wants to shave and cut the stupid hair, but right now, it’s not an option. He pulls on the jacket and glove to hide the arm (he got used to no arm and now he has one again – it’s uncomfortable; the arm may run smooth but he feels off – his balance is off-center again).

He steps out the motel room with a backpack full of supplies and no way to New York.

 

 

 

 

He hotwires a car.

Bucky has no idea how he did it, and it nearly sends him spiraling into another panic attack. But, the car gets him to New York.

The next stop is Avengers Tower.

He ditches the car several blocks away and steps into the lobby with a dreaded feeling in his stomach. He steps up to the receptionist, who gives him an odd look. He supposes he does look homeless. Long hair, tattered clothes, unshaved. He’s a little surprised he even got through the door.

“I’m,” He says, voice scratchy. He clears his throat and the receptionist looks skeptical now. “I’m here to see Captain Rogers.”

“Do you have an appointment?”

“Tell him,” Bucky pauses, “Tell him it’s Bucky.”

 

 

 

 

Steve looks like he wants to hug him, but Natalia is glaring suspiciously. Bucky lets himself be handcuffed and dragged into a strangely empty room that looks heavily fortified. There’s also another man, and he reminds Bucky of Howard.

_Anthony Edward Stark, son of Maria and Howard Stark. Alter Ego Iron Man. Threat Level Moderate-_

Anthony. Anthony isn’t an infant. His parents are dead. A heavy feeling settles into his chest at the thought of the fake world he had been living in.

“Bucky,” Steve says in that Captain America voice of his. “Do you remember me?”

There’s a brief moment of silence, where Bucky looks at Steve – sees a small Steve in a back alley – and he forces his gaze to his hands.

Bucky’s near whispering when he says, “I remember. I remember your medicine. I remember the war. I remember falling. I remember killing people. I remember killing so many people. I remember nearly killing you. God, Stevie, I remember-”

Steve hugs him then, encompassing and Bucky’s in tears then, clutching at Steve with all he has.

He remembers winning the war. He remembers Steve and Peggy getting married. He remembers falling in love with a man named Clint.

 

 

 

 

Justifiably, some of them are still suspicious. Bruce Banner ( _Robert Banner. Alter Ego Hulk. Threat Level Severe_ ) hooks him up to some machines to check his brain while Anthony (Tony, they call him) is looking over his arm.

He forces himself to sit still even as it makes him think of a chair in a dungeon that made him hurt all over. He’s stills sorting through his memories and the Winter Soldier’s. It’s going to take time.

“How is he?” Steve asks, standing nearby. The shield sits on the floor. Bucky’s grateful for it.

“From what I can tell, he seems to be himself. The Winter Soldier, I believe, runs like a program. There’s probably a switch for it,” Bruce explains.

Tony makes a noise, “you think we can program it out of him?”

“It’ll probably take time, but if we work on it, we’ll find a way to shut it down,” Bruce muses. Steve shoots them both a grateful look.

“Thank you.”

“No problem, Cap,” Tony says, shutting a plate on Bucky’s arm. “Your arm’s all clear. Tuned it up to keep it running for a while. It’s pretty heavy so I can make you a lighter alloy and throw in a holographic feature to-“

“Tony,” Steve sighs when he notices Bucky’s looking confused and tense. “Later.”

“You got it,” Tony stands up, “C’mon Brucie, let’s go get started.”

“See you later, Steve,” Bruce smiles. Steve watches them go, and Bucky notices how Steve looks at Tony.

It’s how he had been looking at Peggy in his dreams.

 

 

 

 

Bucky’s sitting on the couch on the common floor of the tower, Steve sitting on another couch, sketching. Tony’s out cold, resting his head in Steve’s lap. He’s not Peggy, but Bucky feels a little better knowing Steve is happy.

The elevator pings open.

“Hey boys,” Natalia greets, sliding into the room. She spots Tony, and says notably quieter, “guess who I found.”

“Harsh, Nat. I found you, I’m pretty sure,” A voice says, and Bucky jolts.

“Hush, Clint,” Natalia smiles and a blond steps into view. He glances over to Bucky; Bucky freezes.

 _Clint Barton. Alter Ego Hawkeye. Former SHIELD Agent. Threat Level Moderate,_ His mind supplies. His mind thinks of a mission in Egypt. An archer he nearly killed but didn’t.

“You’re Bucky, right?” Clint grins, holding out his hand. “Clint Barton, best shot in the world.”

Bucky nearly laughs or cries, he’s not sure which. He shakes Clint’s hand.

“Bucky Barnes.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Few quick notes about Bucky and his dream world:  
> -No historical events occur because this is the world meant to keep him complacent; since WWII was supposed to finish wars (in at least Steve's mind), Bucky believed the same and so nothing like that would happen - in addition the less aggressive hate towards homosexuality was something he dreamed because he wanted to be with Clint  
> -Each time the Winter Soldier went to sleep, Bucky woke up in the dream world  
> -(As pretty much shown) any person Bucky ran into as the Winter Soldier showed up in his world
> 
> find me on [tumblr](http://torii-storii.tumblr.com/) or feel free to ask me anything that may have confused you!


End file.
